Wednesday, March 5, 2014

The Commencement Address I'll Never Be Asked to Give

I've always wanted to give a commencement address at a high school or college. I have no real belief that I ever will, it's just a dream of mine. Partially because I believe I have so much words of wisdom to offer those embarking on life at that point of time.

If I did give a commencement address, it would probably be a combination of my own wit and plagiarized elements I've "stolen"from somewhere.

It might look a bit like this-

As you go on to live your life, I'd like to share some things that might be of importance to you.

First, time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. Imagine the chaos if everything happened at one time. It wouldn't work well, so we have to have time to help us there. Just don't waste it.

Secondly, don't be irreplaceable. if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. You need to think about that one a bit.

Another important thing to remember is before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. It's always important to be far enough away from someone that they can't pummel you into the ground when you criticize them. And if you have their shoes, they might not be able to run as far and if they're mad at you for criticizing them, that might be a good thing.
A fourth thing I'd want everyone to know is if at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Failure is good in some endeavors, but at others, sometimes you might want to make sure you know what you're doing before you try. Trying again after failing to get your grandmother's spaghetti recipe just right is probably ok, but if you decide to be an airplane pilot or a heart surgeon, especially if it's my heart surgeon, you better have a little bit of certainty in your competency before making the first cut.

And in closing, always, always, always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. So don't waste the you you are, but also remember that everyone else is just as unique and special as you are- treat them as such. Too many people in this world believe they are unique and special and then act like an asshole and treat everyone else like a mass of nothing. You are unique, which means you can do things no one else can- and there are others who are unique too. Remember that.

Finally, it is easier to get forgiveness than permission. Just like I didn't ask if it was appropriate to use "asshole" in a commencement address. I'm guessing I will just get forgiveness late, because if I asked I certainly wouldn't have gotten permission and no word could accurately express what I wanted to say there. There will be times in life that you will have to follow convictions and beliefs. Waiting for permission to do that is too slow or cumbersome. It's your life, live it. God is always forgiving. If people aren't, well who cares!

And there you have, my preliminary "Commencement Address." So if you need a speaker for your graduation, I am happy to do it.

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